I should be working

I don't even know where to start.
I feel so fucking alone. How can I have this connection with someone and still feel like we don't have one?

I feel like I don't deserve anyone. I feel like no one understands. I feel like the bad thing that happens to everyone.

I know no one's reading. I know things won't change.
I deleted everything in this blog about her, well some things.

I found funny how I said that I wouldn't give myself to someone ever again. That it is too much and a waste of time.
I love this guy and I can't imagine my life without him now.

But I still feel like we are miles away from each other.

I want to be someone's priority. I want someone that is always there for me, someone that understands me and wants to do everything with me. Someone that always thinks about me without me having to ask. Someone that is not afraid of being with me.
I want someone that would fight for me because they are afraid to lose me, that would defend me because they believe in me.
And I feel like an idiot for wanting those things. I feel like I should be grateful, like I've been given enough but I still feel alone. I'm really sorry.

I feel like he enjoys everything else but spending time with me. Like he prefers doing anything else than being with me.

I wanna go out on dates and do things with him, but he is always tired.
Anyway, I'll go cry a bit and then continue working, I guess.

Hope someone cared, but no one does, and if they do, they don't understand. So I'm alone even if I'm surrounded by a lot of people.

It is funny how I miss you so much right now.
I can't believe I go back to that, everytime.

I wanna stop but I can't. You messed me up. You made me believe that I can love someone else.

Now, here I am, waiting for him to give me all the love that you gave me before.

I can't do this anymore. I feel everything, all the time and I just want this to stop.
I can't do this to him. I can't tell you how many times I just want to talk to you and go back to our relationship, to you.

He's way better than you'd ever be. He's the best person I know. He would never hurt me like you did.
He would do anything for me and I'd still go back.

Even after all of that, you were still my friend. And I can't believe that I will cry myself to sleep tonight, thinking about you. After all these years.
I feel so alone, even when I'm with him.
You left me all alone.
You would know what to do.

He doesn't.
He's clueless.

But he tries.
He tries so much it hurts. He loves me so much he would do anything.
I do too. I love him, even after everything I did, I love him.
I will never find anyone like him.
She fell first but he fell harder.

But I'd still go back.

2014 so far

Este año ha sido muy horrible para mí.

Ya sé, aún no acaba.

Me he dado cuenta de algo importante.

Este pudo  ser un buen año si no hubiese sido tan idiota.
Tengo una amiga (la cual no sé si me considera una amiga) y recién empiezo a conocerla.

Estoy tratando mucho para no meterme en mi cama y quedarme ahí para siempre porque quiero ir a verla, ver películas e intentar repostería, como siempre que voy a su casa.

Es algo bueno lo que tengo ahí pero cuesta mucho cuando tu ánimo está tirado en el piso y no tengo la fuerza para levantarlo.

Ya malogré algo por poner mucho sentimientos y esto no será así.
Y estoy completamente dispuesta a guardar todo para mi cuaderno y este blog, solamente.

Sólo quiero recordarme siempre lo difícil que es ir por la vida guardando sentimientos.

Voy a intentar esto.
Voy a intentar no ir donde Shantall ha llorarle porque sé que ella no quiere eso.

Otra vez estoy sola y tengo que recordar cómo era todo antes.
Soy muy muy tonta y no tengo nada que hacer aquí.

Sigo porque he intentado mucho y nunca funciona.

Quieren internarme porque siete veces ya es demasiado pero no pueden porque mi situación en el colegio ahora no es muy buena y si me voy, empeoraré todo.

Yo me rendí hace mucho, como siempre digo y no importa lo que venga, siempre será lo peor.

Antes no era tan malo hacer todo por ti.
Ahora me siento estúpida.